|More than meets the eye my ass.
||[Jul. 6th, 2007|11:58 pm]
These are my tombs painted black and blue
Transformers fucking sucked. There. I said it.
Somebody had to. I'm seemingly the only person on earth that hated this movie, and I can't for the life of me figure out why.
Let's go through the reasons to hate it, shall we?
* Fucking retarded Hackers-esque supernatural technobabble written by idiots that really think it's possible to hack a government supercomputer using an iPod mini and a really colorful graphical interface? Check.
* Disgusting product placement, including using a GM concept car or two for some Autobots despite their ability to remain inconspicuous being integral to the story? Check.
* Hamfisted superfluous human storyline taking up roughly 70% of the movie's run-time? Check.
* Complete lack of character development for all of the Transformers aside from Bumblebee and Optimus Prime, both of which only received the bare minimum of development themselves? Check.
* Government alien coverup conspiracy subplot wherein it comes out that the Pentagon has known about and held an intact alien captive since the prohibition era, in a major tourism point of interest no less? Check.
* Overzealous and schizophrenic action sequences that are so completely ridiculous as to make it borderline impossible to follow what was going on during these scenes? Check.
* Usage of a Linkin Park song during the closing credits? Fucking check.
* A total run-time that's at least an hour too long? Check.
* Michael Bay, Tyrese and an aging Jon Voigt all in the same waste of film? Check.
Overall I found almost nothing worth watching here other than Bumblebee. He was the only character I cared about in the slightest and I think that's mostly due to him spending the first bit of the movie as a fucking rad old beater of a '74 Camaro, as well the fact that he spends most of the movie communicating completely through intelligent use of his FM radio. I mean, when the first thing that he "says" is Drive by The Cars... yeah. <3
But yeah. I really hated this movie the first time I saw it over ten years ago when it was called Independence Day. I hate the people that say things like this, but Michael Bay can go fuck himself for shitting down the throat of my childhood. This film was obviously created as a franchise starting point, possibly moreso than any other movie ever made, and I will absolutely NOT be seeing any sequels. This shit sucked just that much.
The only thing that would have saved it is if Will Smif and Martin Lawrence had provided the voices of Ratchet and Jazz, just so that we could have heard a "talking into an oscillating fan" version of the two of them saying "This shit just got real" when Bay did his trademark helicopter sweep shot. Avoid at all costs.